FUNNY STUFF


Yes, and by the way, here is also some funny French stuff , or in other words "Et de plus, voici donc quelques bonnes
HISTOIRES DRÔLES " !...


I think a retired English teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!
You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 
'UP.'

It's easy to understand 
UPmeaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to writeUP a report?
We call 
UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and cleanUP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning..
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed 
UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UPlook the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UPyou may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things 
UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry 
UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it 
UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.
Which is the most Dangerous Letter in the Alphabet
Answer is "W"...
It is a tension generator... All the worries get initiated with "W"...
Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where?................
War... Wine.. Whisky Women.... Wealth
And finally ....... Believe it or not .......... WIFE...


True or Not --its fun!


This took place in Charlotte, North  Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare  and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among  other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his  entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer  filed a claim against the insurance  company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the  cigars were lost 'in a series of small  fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay,  citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed  the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with  me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed  with the insurance company that the claim was  frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the  lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had  warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also  guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,  without defining what is considered to be unacceptable  'fire' and was obligated to pay the  claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly  appeal process, the insurance company accepted the  ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of  the cigars that perished in the  'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST  PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the  insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of  ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony  from the previous case being used against him, the  lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his  insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in  jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last  year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.


ONLY IN AMERICA ..... NO WONDER THE REST OF  THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

Funny Quotes by Famous People
 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now
and then she stops to breathe. -
Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness
and kindness, can be trained to do most things. -
Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -
Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -
Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying. -
Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery. -
Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -
Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.-
Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. -
Herbert Henry Asquith

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -
WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had
to work its way through Congress. -
Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
as you grow older, it will avoid you. -
Winston Churchill

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. -
Unknown


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere. -
Billy Crystal

http://www.bouldertherapist.com/html/humor/WordsWisdom/famousquotes.html



These classified ads were really put in the paper

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard.  Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake.  Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR   SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes..  Excellent condition.  £200 or best offer.  No longer needed, Got married last month..  Wife knows everything.


Here is the Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it  by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a  new definition. Here are the winners:
 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
     financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
 2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax  refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to
     start with.
 4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright ideas from penetrating.

The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the  near future.
 6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose  of getting laid.
 7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
 8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the  Person who doesn't get it.
 9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.
 10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This  one got extra credit.)
 11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right?

And  then, like, the Earth explodes  and it's like, a serious bummer.
 12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good

       for you.
 13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
 14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem  smarter when they  come at you rapidly.
 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after  you've accidentally walked through a

       spider web.
 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your  bedroom at two or three in the

       morning and cannot be  cast out.
 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after  finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
 The Washington Post has also  published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in
 which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for  common words. And the winners are:

 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has  gained.
 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.
 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up  someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing  adopted by proctologists.
 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with  yiddishisms.

 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after  death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.
 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer  shorts worn by Jewish men


This is one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!  

DORMITORY:
  
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
  
When you rearrange the letters:
 
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
  
When you rearrange the letters:
 
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: 
When you rearrange the letters:  
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:  ! 
When you rearrange the letters:
  
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
  
When you rearrange the letters:
  
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
:
When you rearrange the letters: 
  
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
  
When you rearrange the letters:
 
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
  
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
  
When you rearrange the letters:
 
WOMAN HITLER
  

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay 
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS


Isn't this what the world is short of, the courage to be sanely insane?!

> > To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a

> > Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
> > 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour
> > Voice. ! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask
> > If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee
> > Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their
> > Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo
> > Field Of All Your Cheques, (or checks in the US)Write '
> > For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk
> > and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water
> > whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify
> > That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing
> > Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your
> > Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a
> > headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream
> > 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start
> > Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your
> > Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over
> > Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let
> > One Of You Go.'

> > And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
> > 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE
> > COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.



Computers‏

For  all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the  way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. 
 
At  a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,  

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got  1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new  car. 

3...  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason...You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the
roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning  light. 

I  love the next one!!! 

7.  The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.  

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 

9.  Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the   'Start' button to turn the engine off. 

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!



 Economic Stimulus payment defined

 
 Some time this year, we taxpayers will again receive an EconomicStimulus

payment. This is a very exciting program.

I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending
your stimulus check wisely:
. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China .
. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras
and
Guatemala .
. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or
4. beer or
5. tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale
and
drink beer all day.


These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
______ ____________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The aut opsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him!
_________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________


And
the best for last:


ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before y ou performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law



Test of Three

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

 

14:33:00


>>         **
>>
>>   I somehow think they're kidding??
>> Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics,
>> these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
>>
>> Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an
>> International Tourism Website.
>>
>> Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
>>
>>
>> Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (
>> England )
>> A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
>> them
>> die.
>>
>> Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
>> A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
>>
>> Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to   Toronto - can I follow the Railroad
>> tracks? ( Sweden )
>> A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
>>
>> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
>> A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>>
>> Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ?  Can you send me a
>> list
>> of them in Toronto , Vancouver ,   Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
>> A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
>>
>> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (
>> USA )
>> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da
>> is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
>> is
>> every Tuesday night in Calgary  Come naked.
>>
>> Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
>> we'll send the rest of the directions..
>>
>> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
>> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>>
>> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
>> A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
>> is...oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night

>> in
>>  Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>>
>> Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
>> A: No, WE don't stink.
>>
>> Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where
>> can
>> I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>>
>> Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
>> population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
>> A: Yes, gay nightclubs..
>>
>> Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Only at Thanksgiving.
>>
>> Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
>> round? (
>> Germany )
>> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
>> illegal.
>>
>> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its
>> name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
>> A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains

>> of
>> anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
>> with human urine before you go out walking.
>>
>> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>> A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first..
>>
>>
>> Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy
>> it
>> as much as I did.


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.
My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT ..
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7.
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10.
My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13.
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19.
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.


Smart kid!
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points
or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He
wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7.) It comes in cute containers

He got an A

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has
Mr . in it;
Female has
Male in it;
She has
He in it;
Madam has
Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life a nd time trying to go back between the
legs of a woman....
Why?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:


Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MEN
tal illness
MEN
strual cramps
MEN
tal breakdown
MEN
opause
GUY
necologist
AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS
terectomy.


Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.


Send this to all the men just to annoy them
......


I"m not surprised.....

 

 

CANADIAN AIR TRANSPORT SECURITY AUTHORITY AIRPORT BODY SCREENING RESULT‏

  CANADIAN AIR TRANSPORT SECURITY AUTHORITY AIRPORT BODY SCREENING RESULT

FULL BODY SCANS AT CANADIAN and USA AIRPORTS:

Airport Screening Results

March 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening

Terrorists Discovered

0

Transvestites

133

Hernias

1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases

3,172

Enlarged Prostates

8,249

Breast Implants

59,350

Natural Blondes

3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know.



The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect
back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.    
Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the
vineyards and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine,
they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to
myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack
Handy

WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and
panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people
who don't drink. When they wake up in

the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~
Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24
beers in a case. Coincidence?  I think not.'
~
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we
get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God
loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~
Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the
greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel

does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave
Barry

WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack,
to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave
Howell

WARNING: The consumption
of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the
opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And
saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory'
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's
like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
    And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first  
This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  
In much the same way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells.  Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.   But naturally,
it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption
of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine.    That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
not