http://www.bouldertherapist.com/html/humor/WordsWisdom/famousquotes.html
These classified ads were really put in the paper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little
bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered
German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to
leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a
while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
.
Worn once by mistake. Call
Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia
Britannica, 45 volumes.. Excellent condition.
£200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got
married last month.. Wife knows everything.
Here is the
Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the
winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject
financially impotent for an
indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and
an asshole.
3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to
start with.
4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about
yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very,very
high.
8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This
one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.
13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid
ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a
spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at two or three in the
morning and cannot be
cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after
finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest, in
which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one
coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how
much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while
drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door
when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up
someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation
with yiddishisms.
15.
Frisbeetarianism,
n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.
Circumvent,
n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
This is one of the cleverest E-mails I've
received in awhile. Someone out there either has too
much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till
you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a
son-in-law).
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
Isn't this what the world is short
of, the courage to be sanely insane?!
> > To Maintain A Healthy Level
Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a
> > Hair Dryer
at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
> > 2. Page
Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour
> > Voice. ! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do
Something, ask
> > If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The
Coffee
> > Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their
> > Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the
Memo
> > Field Of All Your Cheques, (or checks in the
US)Write '
> > For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than
Walk
> > and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet
Water
> > whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8.
Specify
> > That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing
> > Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell
Your
> > Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You
have a
> > headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM,
Scream
> > 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start
> > Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For
Your
> > Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over
> > Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To
Let
> > One Of You Go.'
> > And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity
> > 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO
THE
> > COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Economic Stimulus payment defined
payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US
economy by
spending
your stimulus check wisely:
. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
go to
China .
. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.
. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras
and
Guatemala .
. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to
management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales, or
2. going to ball games, or
3. spending it on prostitutes, or
4. beer or
5. tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the
US .)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a
yard sale
and
drink beer all day.
These are from a book called Disorder in
the American courts, and are things people, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I
just lie there.
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
______ ____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a
different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to
rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The aut opsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy
on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And
the best for last:
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before y ou performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law
Test of Three
Keep this philosophy in mind the next
time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is
what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to
me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
14:33:00
>> **
>>
>> I somehow think they're kidding??
>> Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the
2010 Winter Olympics,
>> these are some questions people from all over the
world are asking.
>>
>> Believe it or not these questions about Canada were
posted on an
>> International Tourism Website.
>>
>> Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions
were really asked!
>>
>>
>> Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how
do the plants grow? (
>> England )
>> A. We import all plants fully grown and then just
sit around and watch
>> them
>> die.
>>
>> Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
( USA )
>> A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
>>
>> Q: I want to walk from Vancouver
to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad
>> tracks? ( Sweden )
>> A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots
of water.
>>
>> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada
? ( Sweden )
>> A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>>
>> Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada
? Can you send me a
>> list
>> of them in Toronto , Vancouver
, Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
>> A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for
trading purposes.
>>
>> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo
racing in Canada ? (
>> USA )
>> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent
south of Europe Ca-na-da
>> is that big country to your North...oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing
>> is
>> every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
>>
>> Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us
when you get here and
>> we'll send the rest of the directions..
>>
>> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
>> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>>
>> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
( USA )
>> A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country
bordering Ger-man-y, which
>> is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night
>> in
>> Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the
hippo races. Come naked.
>>
>> Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
>> A: No, WE don't stink.
>>
>> Q: I have developed a new product that is the
fountain of youth. Where
>> can
>> I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
>> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans
gather.
>>
>> Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia
where the female
>> population is smaller than the male population? (
Italy )
>> A: Yes, gay nightclubs..
>>
>> Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA
)
>> A: Only at Thanksgiving.
>>
>> Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk
available all year
>> round? (
>> Germany )
>> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is
>> illegal.
>>
>> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Canada , but I forget its
>> name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
>> A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very
violent, eating the brains
>> of
>> anyone walking close to them. You can scare them
off by spraying yourself
>> with human urine before you go out walking.
>>
>> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I
go? ( USA )
>> A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first..
>>
>>
>> Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who
you think will enjoy
>> it
>> as much as I did.
25
REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My
mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."
2. My
mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My
mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"
4. My
mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My
mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the store with me."
6. My
mother taught me FORESIGHT ..
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
7. My
mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My
mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My
mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My
mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My
mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through
it."
12. My
mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me
the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My
mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My
mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My
mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My
mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My
mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way."
19. My
mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are
cold?"
20. My
mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."
21. My
mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me
GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My
mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in
a barn?"
24. My
mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My
mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like you.
Smart kid!
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points
or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He
wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
7.) It comes in cute containers
He got an A
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in
it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all
their life a nd time trying to go back between the legs of a
woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!
Okay, Okay, it
all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's
problems start with MEN?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them ......
I"m not surprised.....
FULL BODY SCANS AT CANADIAN and USA AIRPORTS:
Airport Screening Results
March 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening |
|
Terrorists Discovered |
0 |
Transvestites |
133 |
Hernias |
1,485 |
Hemorrhoid Cases |
3,172 |
Enlarged Prostates |
8,249 |
Breast Implants |
59,350 |
Natural Blondes |
3 |
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.