VULGAR JOKES


Simply vulgar jokes



Swearing (An oldy but a goody)

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?'
'Ok' says the 4 year old, agreeing with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops!'



Cheech and Chong- Dog Shit

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the  younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Sex jokes
Boiling Eggs

Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.





Blonde jokes


A Cajun walks into a bar with  a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.  
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.  
'Then he'll open his mouth  and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth, as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer : 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!'


Old age jokes


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."